Why We Write: Ben Mehlman
Read reflections from an annual Black List and Black List Feature Lab alum...
Today, we’re bringing you a new Why We Write essay from 2021 annual Black List and 2020 Black List Feature Lab alum Ben Mehlman. Ben’s new pilot HONEYPOTS is a Black List Recommended project — you can read it here.
Take it away, Ben!
“He’s got… learning disabilities.’”
I heard that a lot growing up. The reason for my delay in reading, my constant inattention, my need to take tests untimed. Whether I liked it or not I had to take things slow and feeling slow as a kid sucks.
And yet, I learned to read. Hell, I even started to love it. Nothing beats being ten and getting lost in Michael Crichton’s techno-thriller, The Terminal Man. Not even reading it at the pace of a sloth.
Eventually, I even found myself enjoying the process of writing. I was too scared to admit it to myself but riding your subconscious like a wave felt magical. At its best the ideas aren’t coming from you, you’re reaching into the air and pulling them down before they float away. But writing is vulnerable and being vulnerable can expose you to your darkest fears about yourself… I was too slow.
So, I decided to go fast. Papers? Meant to be finished in a sprint right before they’re due. Outlining? Re-writing? Not this guy. First pass, best pass baby! Adrenaline and stress were the ultimate motivators. My shame was being outrun.
Until… I ran right into the concrete wall that is burnout.
It was time to make a choice — keep going as I was or face my insecurities. But facing what made me feel most vulnerable meant learning to reflect and slow down… fuck! Maybe I don’t want to do that. I want to go fast. I want to… Jesus Christ, I sound like a toddler. Yeah, the time had come to figure this shit out.
The irony wasn’t lost on me. To face the thing I was scared to face I had to start doing the thing. I had to dive head first into a Möbius-strip paced like a lazy river. But once I started doing the work something wild happened —
I started to feel better about myself.
I was an adult now. I could decide how I viewed myself. Sure the work was hard but anything usually worth it is. Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a byproduct of living authentically. I started to grow confident in how my brain works. I stopped judging myself. My struggles growing up became parts of myself I was the most proud of. Taking my time can be its own super power.
By slowing down my confidence as a writer also grew. I was actually processing my thoughts and understanding the world around me better, which led to better stories being written. When you slow down you see people differently, which led to crafting more well rounded characters. As I embraced my passion for the process of writing, validation started coming as a byproduct. Which was great but it wasn’t the only goal anymore. Connecting to myself and the world around me was.
Honing my skills as a writer has led to a more enjoyable life. In both it’s important to be present and trust your instincts in the moment while still being open to evolution and change. Not just defending the status quo.
So, why do I write?
It helps me understand myself. It helps me understand the world. Writing can be an act of rebellion. It can speak truth to power. It can change minds. Stories helped me feel less alone when I didn’t think I was good enough for anything. Stories are the way we connect to each other. To be able to feed back into that ecosystem is what I feel meant to do.
I write because it makes me feel complete. It makes me feel good about going slow. Writing helped me realize that trying to go fast is what actually slows you down.
And going slow gets you to where you’re meant to be a hell of a lot faster.
Thanks to Ben!
Ben Mehlman recently wrapped post supervising the Steven Spielberg/Martin Scorsese produced TV remake of CAPE FEAR and is now post supervising on the Michael Fassbender-led Netflix/Chernin Entertainment show KENNEDY. Before that, he oversaw the insert unit shoot for the Bad Robot-produced show DUSTER.
As a writer Ben has appeared on the annual Black List, was mentored by Beau Willimon and Jack Thorne through the Black List Feature Lab, is a three-time Cannes Writers Residency Finalist, a MGM Feature Partnership finalist, a ScreenCraft Fellowship finalist, a finalist for a $15,000 grant sponsored by The Black List and Hornitos Tequila, amongst other acclaim.
Ben also writes for postPerspective and co-hosts their podcast where he’s interviewed the editors of F1, THE PITT, WICKED, ANDOR and Edgar Wright to name a few.
More Why We Write:
Jainaba M. Seckan on writing through loss and finding new purpose
Brandon Carbaugh on writing for his beloved brother
Allison Lee on reclaiming the legacy of Yoko Ono
If you’re not already a member of the Black List website, here you go:
Writers: Create a free Writer Profile and whenever you’re ready (and only then) upload your project, order professional feedback, and explore the various opportunities we have from time to time.
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See you in the comments.
Hmm, I might just write something for this. Not sure if I'm allowed to.